What is Shadow-Self? The shadow self refers to parts of yourself—whether personality traits, emotions, thoughts—that are difficult to accept. You often don't want to acknowledge, identify, or embrace these things. We all have a shadow self. It is generally made up of the parts of ourselves we deem unacceptable. For many people this could mean things like their own sadness, rage, laziness, and cruelty.
When it comes the shadow, it will be a seemingly ‘unacceptable’ attribute you see in another person, and the projection often comes couched in blame. For example, you might feel that everyone around you is lazy and selfish. The reason you never get ahead in life is apparently because they are all too self-absorbed to help you. If you looked at yourself honestly, you would likely find it’s you yourself who have a tendency to be self-centred and lazy. There's a reason the shadow is often ignored or denied: These qualities don't fit in with our conceptions of ourselves. For example, consider someone who has a core belief that feeling resentment in motherhood correlates with being ungrateful or a bad mom. However, instead of embracing their shadow self [and] experiencing anger or frustration at times toward her child or a situation in her life impacting her as a mom, she ignores or denies or thinks she's less than because she's having the feeling or thought or experience.
Jung believed the shadow holds repressed thoughts and feelings, not all of which are necessarily "bad": "Jung believed that positive traits could be held in the shadow if those parts of ourselves were invalidated or minimized by others, leading us to repress those parts of ourselves."
When you reject your shadow, you may also start projecting onto others. Projection happens when you see things in others that you subconsciously recognize within yourself. Those parts can make you uncomfortable. Consequently, you can seek to judge or punish others who reflect those traits.
Ignoring your shadow could lead to:
- Poor self-esteem
- Anxiety and depression
- Offensive behavior towards others
- Self-sabotage
- Poor relationships
- Inflated ego
- Self-absorption
- Self-deceit
Why you should work on your shadow:
- Increase your compassion toward others
- Have better clarity
- Improve your overall wellness
- Discover your hidden talents
- Practice self-acceptance
- Build better relationships with others
- Improve your creativity
- Gain more confidence and self-esteem
HOW TO KNOW YOUR SHADOW SELF
The shadow can be one of the first things we face when we start attending therapy. The creation of a safe space where we can talk to someone who isn’t personally invested in our life means we find ourselves saying things we didn’t even know we think and feel.
Some other ways to access your shadow include journalling and working with your dreams, and the archetypes you find in them. Of course looking at what you are constantly blaming others for tends to be a direct route to your shadow self. What are the things you like least in other people? Does that characteristic exist within you, too? It’s important to recognise and understand your shadow side, but not over-identify with it.
Make it a daily practice to sit down and write in your journal, without censoring yourself. Write whatever comes up without overthinking it. At first, what comes up may feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to lean into it if you want your shadow-self to feel heard.
If you are going through a period of low self-esteem or depression, for example, it’s not the time to indulge in shadow work because you are not in the headspace to recognise your strengths, too.
The process of exploring your shadow self is certainly not easy. It can be painful to address these areas of your life, especially if parts of your shadow have been formed by previous trauma. This is why it is always recommended to seek the help of a trained and professional therapist on your journey to integrate your shadow.
Talking therapy, such as psychotherapy or counselling, could be extremely beneficial when it comes to addressing painful memories and feelings. However, the effectiveness of such an approach varies from person to person and other non-talking focused therapies may appeal to you, such as art therapy, drama therapy, and dance/movement therapy.
Any sort of talk therapy that seeks a bigger picture of how you became the person you are today will be just as useful in case you're unable to do the shadow work on your own due to a number of factors.
Services such as MindsZone's Peer mentoring or Life coaching could do wonders or if you want to work at your own pace, consider self-help kits.
Here are some shadow work exercises and prompts you can use to kickstart the journaling process:
- How do you believe people see you? How would they describe you to someone else? How does that make you feel?
- What are the worst traits someone can have, according to you? When did you demonstrate these traits?
- What tends to make you judgmental toward others?
- What memories are you ashamed of?
- Who do you envy, and why?
- Write a letter to the person who’s hurt you the most in your life, and tell them everything you’d like to say.
- What frightens you the most? What are some ways you could safely expose yourself to this fear?
- What emotions typically bring out the worst in you, and why do you think this happens?
- When was the last time you self-sabotaged? How were you feeling at the time? What do you think triggered this behavior?
- Which friendships make you feel safe and secure? Which relationships no longer serve you?
- What’s something you wish that other people understood about you?
- What are some lies you’ve previously told yourself?
- What’s your worst memory from childhood? What is the worst character trait that you have as a result of this memory or other events from your childhood?
- What are your parents’ best character traits? What about their worst?
- How do you feel when drama occurs?
- What makes you self-conscious?
- What makes you feel unsafe?
- Who do you currently have a grudge against? Why do you think you aren’t letting it go?
- Who’s let you down the most in your life?
- What makes you feel the most valued?
- Describe a trait you see in other people that you wish you had yourself. Why do you not have this trait?
- What are your personal core values? Why are those values important to you?
- What were your parents’ or guardians’ core values when you were a child? How do your own values differ from those of your parents or guardians?
- At what moments in your life have you been the hardest on yourself? Why?
- How do you define failure? How does failing make you feel? Are you afraid of failure? If so, why?
- What do you do with your time when you’re bored? What do you enjoy doing?
- Are there negative emotions you try to avoid? Why?
